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| Hello dears.
I have been absent for almost a half year and I am very sorry for that. I ha a lot of distress and most of the time no internet.
I kinda slipped away from pro ana, and it hurts. I missed everything about it, at least the HOLD you all and the "scene" gave to me. I have this disorder and I am not recovered at all. Here I am again, and I want to star new, with you all.
I'm very sorry for my long time being absent.
I hope you do well!
I will try to do antries regularly now!
Much Love.
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| 10:57 AM
           
Well, few years ago and yesterday I made some Icons which I decided to upload now. (Above). Newest are first to the oldest. If anyone has a problem with me using a picture, please write me a message and I will remove them or credit you, just as you want :] I never meant to steal art or so for I'm a kind of (crappy) artist by myself.
You may take and use them as you want, just don't put your name on it and/or credit them as yours :] <3
So far. I recover from my f*cking binge yesterday. I had a sugar overdose, felt awkwardly dizzy suddenly and all my blood ran into my had. It was the worst.
I wanna say THANKS to you all girls who wrote me these awesome comments. You're gorgeous, you really build me up, give me the strength to do trough this shit I have with my family, school, myself and all that...
Stay strong, girls...you all seserve so much to reach your goals and YOU, WE, WiLL! <3 :D
Plan 4 today:
B: 2 Slice of bread, some marmelade & cheese
1 Tomatoe
L, D: NOTHiNG
THiNSPO!
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| At least, I did. And afterwards the standart-try to vomit although I know that i can't.
I'm the fattest girl on xanga. I'm not worthy to be beuatiful or to say i'm ana. i'm undesciplined, rly. I feel so damn fucked up. Will i ever reach 110? i guess i'm not made for...
I wanna throw it up so bad....
i dont list what i eat....sorry......i'm so ashamed. i dont wanna everyone in this world see me....oh why....
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| 10.03 AM
I hate my life at the moment.
I had a lot of anger like oftenly with my mom. Cos I stayed and home today. it's so damn cold outisde and they cannot keep our school warm, no way. I have cold feet, stiff fingers and wear a coat in the classroom. They don't use the heaters in the floors outside of our classes. In the stoney floors its almost as cold as outisde, no joke.
I can't stand that. I came outta school totally freezed. And for i dont eat much it's worse than for the other students.
I'm afraid to go to German class. Not even these guys are distressing me, my teacher does, too. she don't like me but i dunno why. i'm always kind, for real.
my scale is weird. it shows i've gained 5oo gram since wednesday (my entry "weightloss".) its impossible, i didnt ate soo much and i wen jogging. i'm so horribly down. and i eat a mars today, a small one. 81kcal but 3g fat. i hate me.
I really thought bout cutting again. I'm clean since 4-5 month. Thats awesomely much. Don't wanna distroy it.
So, my mom took the cable for the power from my pc for i didnt went to school. I always try not to skip...one day, and she takes it. she doesn't understand anything. she never feels pity or shows grace. never.
I took my bros' cable now, but i jus can keep it until he come back from school. so, if i do not update longer, you know what happened...
Damn, i hope i don't binge today or so....
if i gain, than everything is completely fucked. all i have left is the success of losing. if i don't have it, i have nothing anymore. (i feel like).
i pray that i stay strong.
Hope you doing better, babies. I feel so damn gross.
Love you all <3
Intake
B: 2 Slices of Bread with 2 Pieces of turkey salami
1 small mars D'':
L/D: 5 Apples, 1 Paprica, 250g 0,1%fat-yoghurt.
Sounds MUCH, huh?
I eat like a PIGGY. 
THiNSPO
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| 1:23 PM
I feel really, really bad today. I don't know weather I should scream in agony or cry.
First tomorrow morning. I ate a small piece of disgusting sausage (and the roll with the common stuff o' cause). blargh. That allready f*cked me up. I was so regretfull.
Than at school. I skipped math, went to english. After english I want to go home, skip double-german and double-chemistry. I'm kinda afraid of my german teacher and I hate and don't understand chemistry. Our teacher is very old and everyone says he's addicted to alcohol. I can imagine that well.
But after ENglish, my german teacher saw me right in the end of the break and said I should come to the lesson now. So, I made ths 2 lessons.
Well, I have 2 guys in my german class. I hate them. Once, 7th- even 11th class (for 4 years) they always told disgusting things to me without any reason, I rly do not know why. (yes i've met lot of people like that in my whole life so that's surely also responsible for my ed. I was always the only girl bullied by guys).
We should do group work and I was with them. So after long time they started to bully me again today. In a way it triggered me to be strong today with not eating too much cos yesterday I almost planned binge. But the day is still long.....
After, I skipped chemistry, went home.
My mom told me today, a girl in my age should have a boyfriend. She - yah, my MOM - wants me to sleep with sb. She told. she said "so we surely would have less problems here with u."
Yeah. She's right. I damn behave like a victim of abusement. I'm afraid of any man or boy even to touch me. I never can let come anyone close to me, but i'm not lesbian, i know that.
But it hurts to hear my mom say that. does she think i'm not aware of that? might be. i KNOW she hates me.
And know I feel GROSS, GROSS and again, GROSS.
I ate
B: 1 bread roll with some marmelade and that small piece of sausage.
L: 2 Apples and around 250 gram of a yoghurt with 1% of fat (48kcal each 1oog)
D: 2 apples, 1 paprica, 1 roll
DAMN. fuck. bread at almost 8 PM. thats so annyoing.
TOTAL: 7oo kcal. I'm so ashamed. forgive me....
OUTTAKE:
50 crunches
20 min jogging
I feel so disgusting, ugly, fat, dumb, small...whatever. More self-hatred since a long time. I want to cut today again but ima not going to, i'm going to walk, i rly have to.
Hope you doing better, honeys. <3
THiNSPO
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